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    Weekends: rubitrightintomyeyes:

theonion:

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine
SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.
“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”
“I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.”
Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on.
In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix.
Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful.
“I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.”
“There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.”
Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time.
“It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.”
While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower.
“I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.”
“I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added.
At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.



    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Weekends: rubitrightintomyeyes:

theonion:

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine
SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.
“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”
“I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.”
Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on.
In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix.
Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful.
“I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.”
“There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.”
Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time.
“It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.”
While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower.
“I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.”
“I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added.
At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.



                
            

            
            
rubitrightintomyeyes:

theonion:

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine
SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full...

            
            
        

    



            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                







    Weekends: Yestay
 Tke top banaas
 like you
 Whet's the date thent hun
 Im driving past Gatwick tonight,
 get ready x
 t
 Tinish in Smins perfect
 can't watt
 Let me know when and where to
 pick you up/meet
 7
 Today
 Gatwick airport south terminal
 410 pm
 Be there or be suuare
 Please dont
 I'm the kind of person that would
 actually book a flight somewhere
 with a random person on tinder
 Lets doit
 Where we going
 Paris
 taly
 New York?
 Vour choice
 m game
 But
 Thave options so be quick
 Daling
 https://www.wowcher.co.uk
 deal/travel/12846246/mystery
 getaway-voucher?from
 4699308
 Sroot.metadata.title
 Sroot metadata.description
 www.wohet.cok
 Tm game
 No joke shall we actually do it
 Pls don't be shitting me
 d actually be up for it
 Yeah me too
 Do we get to dchoose when were
 going
 mno snake
 How do we booki
 Ate they legith
 I think you get to choose out of a
 couple of weekends, but Im not
 100%
 Also if you get Ball or one of the
 really far away ones you go for a
 week
 Yeah they're legit
 One of my friends has done it
 and I've been so up for it ever
 since I heard about it
 One of us books then the other
 transfers the money?
 Can w.choose a date prety
 E0on
 Need a bit of sun in my life
 Haha yeah sure, cba with this rain
 You happy for me to book and
 then you transfer me?
 Yeu Im good with that) just can't
 do this weekend
 The holiday thati
 Pzoan we fly from Gatwick it we
 can choose
 The draw is on the 23rd, so we
 find out where we go then and
 book the flights and give all our
 details in then
 Will try and go from Gatwick for
 sure
 Fingers crossed it bai
 Fuck if we're going on holiday l
 have to go for a nin
 Get this sexy beach bod ready
 That would be ridiculous
 0
 Ok it's booked
 And shutup you already have a
 beach bod!
 Delived
My mate matched with her 2 days ago and is now waiting for a reply after the most daring thing he’s ever done..
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Weekends: Yestay
 Tke top banaas
 like you
 Whet's the date thent hun
 Im driving past Gatwick tonight,
 get ready x
 t
 Tinish in Smins perfect
 can't watt
 Let me know when and where to
 pick you up/meet
 7
 Today
 Gatwick airport south terminal
 410 pm
 Be there or be suuare
 Please dont
 I'm the kind of person that would
 actually book a flight somewhere
 with a random person on tinder
 Lets doit
 Where we going
 Paris
 taly
 New York?
 Vour choice
 m game
 But
 Thave options so be quick
 Daling
 https://www.wowcher.co.uk
 deal/travel/12846246/mystery
 getaway-voucher?from
 4699308
 Sroot.metadata.title
 Sroot metadata.description
 www.wohet.cok
 Tm game
 No joke shall we actually do it
 Pls don't be shitting me
 d actually be up for it
 Yeah me too
 Do we get to dchoose when were
 going
 mno snake
 How do we booki
 Ate they legith
 I think you get to choose out of a
 couple of weekends, but Im not
 100%
 Also if you get Ball or one of the
 really far away ones you go for a
 week
 Yeah they're legit
 One of my friends has done it
 and I've been so up for it ever
 since I heard about it
 One of us books then the other
 transfers the money?
 Can w.choose a date prety
 E0on
 Need a bit of sun in my life
 Haha yeah sure, cba with this rain
 You happy for me to book and
 then you transfer me?
 Yeu Im good with that) just can't
 do this weekend
 The holiday thati
 Pzoan we fly from Gatwick it we
 can choose
 The draw is on the 23rd, so we
 find out where we go then and
 book the flights and give all our
 details in then
 Will try and go from Gatwick for
 sure
 Fingers crossed it bai
 Fuck if we're going on holiday l
 have to go for a nin
 Get this sexy beach bod ready
 That would be ridiculous
 0
 Ok it's booked
 And shutup you already have a
 beach bod!
 Delived
My mate matched with her 2 days ago and is now waiting for a reply after the most daring thing he’s ever done..
                
            

            
            
My mate matched with her 2 days ago and is now waiting for a reply after the most daring thing he’s ever done..

            
            
        

    



            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                







    Weekends: reddit
 Marylandman101 4y
 what does it feel like to do heroin
 256
 [deleted] 4y
 Actually this is an obvious question but it's not what you might
 think. Let me explain it to you, I've been an opiate addict for a
 long time and tried many drugs. Drugs that are 'uppers' have the
 most 'obvious' euphoria. For example if you take
 adderall/coke/meth/speed/MDMA you will get this shining bright
 euphoria, self confidence, energy, and other drug-specific feelings
 (for meth like you are king
 However, you owe these drugs back what they delivered to you.
 After a meth binge, or lots of MDMA use, or staying up all night on
 coke you will feel like shit. To an extent this aspect is similar to an
 alcoholic hangover.
 or for MDMA like you love everyone)
 On the other hand, for many people who experiment with heroin
 they are underwhelmed (not including IV usage, but most
 experimenters rarely ever IV first time). They just feel good, chill,
 happy, but they feel like this spooky drug 'heroin' hasn't delivered
 They are just mellow. Oh obviously it has all been a lie they will
 think. Heroin isn't spooky, it's chill. It's not addictive like everyone
 else thinks. It doesn't make you do stupid shit or stay up all day
 and hallucinate like amphetamines or coke. It doesn't empty your
 serotonin like MDMA or give you a hangover like alcohol. People
 tend to just think oh, what a nice drug.
 So the next day they wake up and everything is normal. No
 headache or shitty feeling--just a slight afterglow of that nice
 feeling. Oh it was cheap as well! It only cost $10 for a whole night
 of being high! I thought people said heroin was expensive? And
 then next weekend comes... There are all these drugs I could do
 but I liked heroin. It didn't 'fuck me up,' I could still think clearly. No
 hangover. No feeling like shit later. I still was awake. It just made
 me happy and content with life. Oh and it's only $10! Well, I
 should get some more for the whole weekend. This is great! I will
 use Heroin on the weekends now!

 Now let's say this person works and has responsibilities. He
 knows he can't go into work drunk, or on MDMA, or high. So he
 doesn't. It's actually simple. But heroin... Well the user might
 actually find they do better work on heroin. Instead of being sad
 or grumpy or depressed with his jo... he is just... happy. Mellow.
 Content. Everything is fine and the world is beautiful. It's raining,
 it's dark, I woke up at 5:30AM, I'm commuting in traffic. I would
 have had a headache, I would have been miserable, I would have
 wondered how my life took me to this point. This point I'm at right
 now. But no, no, everything is fine. Life is beautiful. The rain drops
 are just falling and in each one I see the reflection of every
 persons life around me. Humanity is beautiful. In this still frame
 shot of traffic on this crowded bus I just found love and peace
 Heroin is a wonder drug. Heroin is better than everything else.
 Heroin makes me who I wish I was. Heroin makes life worth
 living. Heroin is better than everything else. Heroin builds up a
 tolerance fast. Heroin starts to cost more money. I need heroin to
 feel normal. I don't love anymore. Now I'm sick. I can't afford the
 heroin that I need. How did $10 used to get me high? Now I need
 $100. That guy that let me try a few lines the first time doesn't
 actually deal. Oh I need to find a real dealer? This guy is a felon
 and carries a gun--he can sell me the drug that lets me find love
 in the world. No this isn't working, I need to quit.
 To answer your question, heroin feels nice. That's all, it just feels
 very nice. You can make the rest up for yourself. Attach your own
 half-truths to this drug that will show you the world and for a
 moment you will feel as clever as Faust.
 Edit: Thank you for the kind words. I received help and I'm doing
 well now. Luckily I was able to pull up and get help right before I
 entered the deadly downward spiral. Some of my friends have not
 done as well. Sorry to steal the limelight from OP
 2675
 Ifuxdalion 4y
 Reading that was more haunting than any anti-drug campaign
 that I've been exposed to. Thanks. A lot.
 907
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Weekends: reddit
 Marylandman101 4y
 what does it feel like to do heroin
 256
 [deleted] 4y
 Actually this is an obvious question but it's not what you might
 think. Let me explain it to you, I've been an opiate addict for a
 long time and tried many drugs. Drugs that are 'uppers' have the
 most 'obvious' euphoria. For example if you take
 adderall/coke/meth/speed/MDMA you will get this shining bright
 euphoria, self confidence, energy, and other drug-specific feelings
 (for meth like you are king
 However, you owe these drugs back what they delivered to you.
 After a meth binge, or lots of MDMA use, or staying up all night on
 coke you will feel like shit. To an extent this aspect is similar to an
 alcoholic hangover.
 or for MDMA like you love everyone)
 On the other hand, for many people who experiment with heroin
 they are underwhelmed (not including IV usage, but most
 experimenters rarely ever IV first time). They just feel good, chill,
 happy, but they feel like this spooky drug 'heroin' hasn't delivered
 They are just mellow. Oh obviously it has all been a lie they will
 think. Heroin isn't spooky, it's chill. It's not addictive like everyone
 else thinks. It doesn't make you do stupid shit or stay up all day
 and hallucinate like amphetamines or coke. It doesn't empty your
 serotonin like MDMA or give you a hangover like alcohol. People
 tend to just think oh, what a nice drug.
 So the next day they wake up and everything is normal. No
 headache or shitty feeling--just a slight afterglow of that nice
 feeling. Oh it was cheap as well! It only cost $10 for a whole night
 of being high! I thought people said heroin was expensive? And
 then next weekend comes... There are all these drugs I could do
 but I liked heroin. It didn't 'fuck me up,' I could still think clearly. No
 hangover. No feeling like shit later. I still was awake. It just made
 me happy and content with life. Oh and it's only $10! Well, I
 should get some more for the whole weekend. This is great! I will
 use Heroin on the weekends now!

 Now let's say this person works and has responsibilities. He
 knows he can't go into work drunk, or on MDMA, or high. So he
 doesn't. It's actually simple. But heroin... Well the user might
 actually find they do better work on heroin. Instead of being sad
 or grumpy or depressed with his jo... he is just... happy. Mellow.
 Content. Everything is fine and the world is beautiful. It's raining,
 it's dark, I woke up at 5:30AM, I'm commuting in traffic. I would
 have had a headache, I would have been miserable, I would have
 wondered how my life took me to this point. This point I'm at right
 now. But no, no, everything is fine. Life is beautiful. The rain drops
 are just falling and in each one I see the reflection of every
 persons life around me. Humanity is beautiful. In this still frame
 shot of traffic on this crowded bus I just found love and peace
 Heroin is a wonder drug. Heroin is better than everything else.
 Heroin makes me who I wish I was. Heroin makes life worth
 living. Heroin is better than everything else. Heroin builds up a
 tolerance fast. Heroin starts to cost more money. I need heroin to
 feel normal. I don't love anymore. Now I'm sick. I can't afford the
 heroin that I need. How did $10 used to get me high? Now I need
 $100. That guy that let me try a few lines the first time doesn't
 actually deal. Oh I need to find a real dealer? This guy is a felon
 and carries a gun--he can sell me the drug that lets me find love
 in the world. No this isn't working, I need to quit.
 To answer your question, heroin feels nice. That's all, it just feels
 very nice. You can make the rest up for yourself. Attach your own
 half-truths to this drug that will show you the world and for a
 moment you will feel as clever as Faust.
 Edit: Thank you for the kind words. I received help and I'm doing
 well now. Luckily I was able to pull up and get help right before I
 entered the deadly downward spiral. Some of my friends have not
 done as well. Sorry to steal the limelight from OP
 2675
 Ifuxdalion 4y
 Reading that was more haunting than any anti-drug campaign
 that I've been exposed to. Thanks. A lot.
 907
                
            

            
            
        

    



            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                







    Weekends: Jonnie Hallman
 Gestern
 @destroytoday
 Still have no idea how people can...
 work a full-time job
 cook dinner often
 exercise regularly
 enjoy weekends
 keep the apartment clean
 Seems basic, but I can't consistently do it.
 shine a light
 Vor 14 Stunden
 @rknLA
 Current full-time (40hr/wk) jobs aren't
 designed for single people to do this; they're
 post-war relics & depend on the unpaid labor
 of a spouse for cooking, cleaning, shopping,
 etc.
 You're not deficient for not being able to do it
 yourself
roach-works:
i went into my 40-50 hr/week manual labor job with the explicit agreement with my spouse that i would do the paid labor and they’d be my pit crew. i get home too tired to cook by the end of the week, almost too tired to eat. all my younger coworkers are destroying their kidneys with caffeinated sports drinks, and the men who participate in the care of their children come to work looking like miserable zombies. my friend russel loves his kids and spends all weekend with them and comes into work on monday looking like he’s one sneeze away from the grave because he couldn’t get enough sleep. 
you can’t have a good life when 40 hours a week are spent laboring. there’s no room for cooking or cleaning or children, you HAVE to trade necessary rest for those things. it’s a huge sexist problem that we don’t expect men to cook, clean, or care for children, because it’s also a huge sexist problem that traditional work/life ‘balance’ of a 40-hour work week completely prohibits people from fully engaging in life outside of labor. 
letting women into the workforce was a great first step. redefining how much work anyone should be working is the necessary next one. 

    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Weekends: Jonnie Hallman
 Gestern
 @destroytoday
 Still have no idea how people can...
 work a full-time job
 cook dinner often
 exercise regularly
 enjoy weekends
 keep the apartment clean
 Seems basic, but I can't consistently do it.
 shine a light
 Vor 14 Stunden
 @rknLA
 Current full-time (40hr/wk) jobs aren't
 designed for single people to do this; they're
 post-war relics & depend on the unpaid labor
 of a spouse for cooking, cleaning, shopping,
 etc.
 You're not deficient for not being able to do it
 yourself
roach-works:
i went into my 40-50 hr/week manual labor job with the explicit agreement with my spouse that i would do the paid labor and they’d be my pit crew. i get home too tired to cook by the end of the week, almost too tired to eat. all my younger coworkers are destroying their kidneys with caffeinated sports drinks, and the men who participate in the care of their children come to work looking like miserable zombies. my friend russel loves his kids and spends all weekend with them and comes into work on monday looking like he’s one sneeze away from the grave because he couldn’t get enough sleep. 
you can’t have a good life when 40 hours a week are spent laboring. there’s no room for cooking or cleaning or children, you HAVE to trade necessary rest for those things. it’s a huge sexist problem that we don’t expect men to cook, clean, or care for children, because it’s also a huge sexist problem that traditional work/life ‘balance’ of a 40-hour work week completely prohibits people from fully engaging in life outside of labor. 
letting women into the workforce was a great first step. redefining how much work anyone should be working is the necessary next one. 

                
            

            
            
roach-works:
i went into my 40-50 hr/week manual labor job with the explicit agreement with my spouse that i would do the paid labor and...

            
            
        

    



            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                






            

        

        
        

            

                







    Weekends: Keaton Patti
 Follow
 eKeatonPatti
 I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours
 of lawyer commercials and then asked it
 to write a lawyer commercial of its own.
 Here is the first page
 LAWYER COMMERCIAL
 INT. FIRM LAW ROOM
 A LAWYER stands next to a shelf with books. The books
 are
 very wide. They have eaten too many words
 LAWYER
 Have you been hurt in an accidental
 car? Has the government sold your
 lungs without asking nicely? Are
 you Mesothelioma? Answer me!
 The lawyer opens a briefcase. It's full of lemons, the
 justice fruit only lawyers may touch
 LAWYER (CONT'D)
 If so, you can act entitled for
 money. I'l help. I graduated from
 lawn school and all my teachers
 were bitten by dogs
 Words scrol1 across bottom of the screen. These are cases the
 lawyer takes: UNFAIR STABBING, ILLEGAL SHOES, HUSIC TO0
 CANADIAN, SUE THE RAIN, DIvORCE YOUR TOILET, FAKE SONS.
 LAWYER (CONT'D)
 I have been a lawyer for over 35
 weekends and I'm currently dating
 the Bill of Rights for fun.
 We see the Bill of Rights. It's in love. The lawyer will1
 break its heart. There's nothing we can do.
 LAWYER (CONT'D)
 Let me use it to send your asbestos
 to court. I will wear two suits and
 I promise to steal the judge's
 gavel for you
 The lawyer opens up the jacket of his first suit. Millions of
 gavels pour out. His promise has worth
 LAWYER (CONT D)
 My clients never go to jail town
 We see his past clients: a tornado, a tornado, a tornado
 LAWYER (CONT 'D)
 Remember, you don't pay any money
 unless you pay us money. Call for a
 free use of phone
 The phone digits appear. It's your social security number
A bot watched over 1000 hours of lawyer commercials and then made this
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Weekends: Keaton Patti
 Follow
 eKeatonPatti
 I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours
 of lawyer commercials and then asked it
 to write a lawyer commercial of its own.
 Here is the first page
 LAWYER COMMERCIAL
 INT. FIRM LAW ROOM
 A LAWYER stands next to a shelf with books. The books
 are
 very wide. They have eaten too many words
 LAWYER
 Have you been hurt in an accidental
 car? Has the government sold your
 lungs without asking nicely? Are
 you Mesothelioma? Answer me!
 The lawyer opens a briefcase. It's full of lemons, the
 justice fruit only lawyers may touch
 LAWYER (CONT'D)
 If so, you can act entitled for
 money. I'l help. I graduated from
 lawn school and all my teachers
 were bitten by dogs
 Words scrol1 across bottom of the screen. These are cases the
 lawyer takes: UNFAIR STABBING, ILLEGAL SHOES, HUSIC TO0
 CANADIAN, SUE THE RAIN, DIvORCE YOUR TOILET, FAKE SONS.
 LAWYER (CONT'D)
 I have been a lawyer for over 35
 weekends and I'm currently dating
 the Bill of Rights for fun.
 We see the Bill of Rights. It's in love. The lawyer will1
 break its heart. There's nothing we can do.
 LAWYER (CONT'D)
 Let me use it to send your asbestos
 to court. I will wear two suits and
 I promise to steal the judge's
 gavel for you
 The lawyer opens up the jacket of his first suit. Millions of
 gavels pour out. His promise has worth
 LAWYER (CONT D)
 My clients never go to jail town
 We see his past clients: a tornado, a tornado, a tornado
 LAWYER (CONT 'D)
 Remember, you don't pay any money
 unless you pay us money. Call for a
 free use of phone
 The phone digits appear. It's your social security number
A bot watched over 1000 hours of lawyer commercials and then made this
                
            

            
            
A bot watched over 1000 hours of lawyer commercials and then made this