Jobbed
Jobbed

Jobbed

Poet
Poet

Poet

new tattoo
 new tattoo

new tattoo

mall
 mall

mall

no
 no

no

talented
talented

talented

stigma
stigma

stigma

suburbs
suburbs

suburbs

thighs
thighs

thighs

ons
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🔥 | Latest

A Dream, Christmas, and Instagram: cacen so at the bar in which I work, there's an unofficial rule that all of our door staff must have names that start with D or rhyme with 'doorman', which has led to me be- friending a trio of six foot four men with beards called Doorman Logan, Doorman Drew, and Doorman Dan now, let me tell you now that Doorman Dan is the abso- lute love of my life. I don't care that he's a decade older than me and has a fiance. you know when someone is so extraordinary or impossible to define that they're simply referred to as 'a character? that's Doorman Dan. now, before I get into his personality, let's describe his appearance. imagine the most stereotypical Scand inavian person ever: tall, white-blond, strong-jawed. now, add a heavy South Walian accent and an orange jumper. that's Doorman Dan. since meeting him last year, I've discovered .he once had a dream that he had a tattoo that said 'shit happens' on his left arsecheek, so when he woke up he decided he had to fulfil the prophecy and got it tattooed on his arse by a bloke called Junkie Jeff at 9AM .he forgot to call his girlfriend for three months while he was in the army, and was complet unaware they had broken up until he wishe happy Christmas and she responded with what the fuck Dan .accidentally married his army buddy in Vegas for thirty-six hours .he saw someone beating up a guy for being gay, and instead of jumping in and fighting back he decided to get absolutely bollock-naked and stand in front of the homophobe until he got freaked out and ran off .he has a millionare buddy who rings him up once a month for 'mystery adventures', one of which has resulted in Doorman Dan no longer being allowed inside any John Lewis shops .he is convinced the love of his life is not his fiancee, but a man named Ned. upon being asked who Ned is, he shrugged and responded with: "TII know when I meet him. .he runs an Instagram account dedicated to his pet rabbits and refuses to let people into the bar unless they follow him his fiancee booked a wedding venue before he even proposed. "I don't even know if I'm invited, truth be told." when he caught a couple having sex in our loos, he didn't want to intrude so he just gently knocked on the door and asked if they'd like a snack . .he has created his own non-alcoholic cocktail called Doorman's Sunrise because he feels left out being the only person on the dance floor without a drink when he's patrolling the bar I could honestly write a ten-season sitcom about him cacen BIG OL UPDATE: HE GOT MARRIED LAST WEEK!!!! zohbugg I need 10 seasons and a movie about the life of Doorman Dan thecheshirecass I look forward to reading more about the loving, polyamorous relationship he and his wife develop with Ned when they finally meet. fuckveahdiomedes What's the instagram for the rabbits, op? Source: cacen 114,993 notes The adventures of doorman dan
A Dream, Christmas, and Instagram: cacen
 so at the bar in which I work, there's an unofficial rule
 that all of our door staff must have names that start
 with D or rhyme with 'doorman', which has led to me be-
 friending a trio of six foot four men with beards called
 Doorman Logan, Doorman Drew, and Doorman Dan
 now, let me tell you now that Doorman Dan is the abso-
 lute love of my life. I don't care that he's a decade older
 than me and has a fiance. you know when someone
 is so extraordinary or impossible to define that they're
 simply referred to as 'a character? that's Doorman Dan.
 now, before I get into his personality, let's describe his
 appearance. imagine the most stereotypical Scand
 inavian person ever: tall, white-blond, strong-jawed. now,
 add a heavy South Walian accent and an orange jumper.
 that's Doorman Dan.
 since meeting him last year, I've discovered
 .he once had a dream that he had a tattoo that
 said 'shit happens' on his left arsecheek, so when
 he woke up he decided he had to fulfil the prophecy
 and got it tattooed on his arse by a bloke called
 Junkie Jeff at 9AM
 .he forgot to call his girlfriend for three months
 while he was in the army, and was complet
 unaware they had broken up until he wishe
 happy Christmas and she responded with what the
 fuck Dan
 .accidentally married his army buddy in Vegas for
 thirty-six hours
 .he saw someone beating up a guy for being gay,
 and instead of jumping in and fighting back he
 decided to get absolutely bollock-naked and stand
 in front of the homophobe until he got freaked out
 and ran off
 .he has a millionare buddy who rings him up once a
 month for 'mystery adventures', one of which has
 resulted in Doorman Dan no longer being allowed
 inside any John Lewis shops
 .he is convinced the love of his life is not his
 fiancee, but a man named Ned. upon being asked
 who Ned is, he shrugged and responded with: "TII
 know when I meet him.
 .he runs an Instagram account dedicated to his pet
 rabbits and refuses to let people into the bar unless
 they follow him
 his fiancee booked a wedding venue before he even
 proposed. "I don't even know if I'm invited, truth be
 told."
 when he caught a couple having sex in our loos, he
 didn't want to intrude so he just gently knocked on
 the door and asked if they'd like a snack
 .
 .he has created his own non-alcoholic cocktail
 called Doorman's Sunrise because he feels left out
 being the only person on the dance floor without a
 drink when he's patrolling the bar
 I could honestly write a ten-season sitcom about him
 cacen
 BIG OL UPDATE: HE GOT MARRIED LAST WEEK!!!!
 zohbugg
 I need 10 seasons and a movie about the life of
 Doorman Dan
 thecheshirecass
 I look forward to reading more about the loving,
 polyamorous relationship he and his wife develop with
 Ned when they finally meet.
 fuckveahdiomedes
 What's the instagram for the rabbits, op?
 Source: cacen
 114,993 notes
The adventures of doorman dan

The adventures of doorman dan

Complex, Drugs, and Gif: There are dealbreakers, too. Anyone who regularly Netflix-binges engages in social activism, or wears mascara more than twice a week is going to have to look elsewhere. "This may not be the right place," the Startup Castle says, if you - Watch more than 4 hours of TV/movie/game entertainment per week - Have more than 1 tattoo - Have ever attended more than 1 protest Make more than three posts a week to social media Listen to a songs with explicit lyrics more than an once a day Wear make-up more than twice a weelk - Own any clothing, shoes, watches, or handbags costing over $500 - Have bills that get paid by somebody else Drive a vehicle that was given to you by your parents - Get regular spending money or gifts from your parents - Have more than one internet app date per week - Have a complex diet that requires lots of refrigerator space - Drink alcohol more than 3 drinks per week - Use marijuana more than twice a year - Have been prescribed anything by a psychiatrist more than once - Use any other drug more than twice in your entire ajani-on-the-spot: gehayi: berlynn-wohl: hapabap: nazerine: plasmalogical: paxamericana: Silicon Valley’s ‘Startup Castle’ is looking for roommates, and the requirements are completely bonkers good thing i listen to exactly one song with explicit lyrics every day I’ve been saying this for a while but Startup Bro is the new and terrifying lovechild of the brogrammer and the business major and he is somehow even more self-centered and bigoted than either of them No, no, guys, look closely. This house is looking for extremely physically fit young men (No drugs, no makeup, no special diet, exercise 15 hrs a week) who are passive and docile (no protests, no music lyrics with swears) who, most of all, will not be missed if they disappear (very little social media presence, not rich enough to own expensive luxury items, no need to constantly be in contact with their parents over bills/gifts, few identifying markings like tattoos) This is obviously an organ harvesting operation. Actually it turned out that the guy who was running it wanted to create a quasi-paramilitary organization. There were so many horror stories about the place in the news that the landlord evicted everyone. (Gotta say, though, that I like the organ harvesting scheme better.) “It would have been better to have found out this was an organ harvesting scheme” is not a sentiment I expected to see today, and yet.
Complex, Drugs, and Gif: There are dealbreakers, too. Anyone who regularly Netflix-binges
 engages in social activism, or wears mascara more than twice a week is
 going to have to look elsewhere. "This may not be the right place," the
 Startup Castle says, if you
 - Watch more than 4 hours of TV/movie/game
 entertainment per week
 - Have more than 1 tattoo
 - Have ever attended more than 1 protest
 Make more than three posts a week to social
 media
 Listen to a songs with explicit lyrics more than an
 once a day
 Wear make-up more than twice a weelk
 - Own any clothing, shoes, watches, or handbags
 costing over $500
 - Have bills that get paid by somebody else
 Drive a vehicle that was given to you by your
 parents
 - Get regular spending money or gifts from your
 parents
 - Have more than one internet app date per week
 - Have a complex diet that requires lots of
 refrigerator space
 - Drink alcohol more than 3 drinks per week
 - Use marijuana more than twice a year
 - Have been prescribed anything by a psychiatrist
 more than once
 - Use any other drug more than twice in your entire
ajani-on-the-spot:
gehayi:

berlynn-wohl:

hapabap:

nazerine:


plasmalogical:


paxamericana:

Silicon Valley’s ‘Startup Castle’ is looking for roommates, and the requirements are completely bonkers

good thing i listen to exactly one song with explicit lyrics every day


I’ve been saying this for a while but Startup Bro is the new and terrifying lovechild of the brogrammer and the business major and he is somehow even more self-centered and bigoted than either of them


No, no, guys, look closely.
This house is looking for extremely physically fit young men (No drugs, no makeup, no special diet, exercise 15 hrs a week) who are passive and docile (no protests, no music lyrics with swears) who, most of all, will not be missed if they disappear (very little social media presence, not rich enough to own expensive luxury items, no need to constantly be in contact with their parents over bills/gifts, few identifying markings like tattoos)
This is obviously an organ harvesting operation.


Actually it turned out that the guy who was running it wanted to create a quasi-paramilitary organization.
There were so many horror stories about the place in the news that the landlord evicted everyone.
(Gotta say, though, that I like the organ harvesting scheme better.)

“It would have been better to have found out this was an organ harvesting scheme” is not a sentiment I expected to see today, and yet.

ajani-on-the-spot: gehayi: berlynn-wohl: hapabap: nazerine: plasmalogical: paxamericana: Silicon Valley’s ‘Startup Castle’ is lookin...

Crying, Head, and Kkk: It's just a tattoo," he says, when the silence goes on so long that we have nearly fallen over the edge of it into a pit of black nothingness. "It's not as if I came home and said I'd got someone pregnant. It seems to me, unhinged by shock, that this might have been the better option. His father says, "Where?" "On my arm," he says, and touches his bicep through his shirt. His lovely shoulder. For three days, I can't speak to my son. I can hardly bear to look at him. I decide this is rational. The last thing we need, I think, is an explosion of white-hot words that In any case, I'm not even sure what it is I want to say. In my mind's eye I stand there, a bitter old woman with pursed lips wringing my black-gloved hands. He's done the one thing that I've said for years, please d upset me if you did this. And now it's happened. So there's nothing left to say everyone carries around for the rest of their lives, e ngraved on their hearts. on't do this. It would really So I cry instead. I have a lump in my throat that stops me from eating. I feel as if someone has died. I keep thinking of his skin, his precious skin, inked like a pig carcasS My husband asks, "Have you seen it yet?" I shake my head. Like a child, I am hoping that if I keep my eyes tightly shut the whole thing will disappear It's his body," he says gently. "His choice. But what if he wants to be a lawyer? A lawyer? "Or an accountant." He'll be wearing a suit. No one will ever know. And he doesn't want to be a I know. I know tifalockharts this article about some woman's 21 y/o son coming home from school w/ a tattoo is THE funniest thing i have seen today tifalockharts On day three, still in a fog of misery, I say to him, "Shall we talk?" We sit down with cups of coffee. I open my mouth to speak and end up crying instead. I say, "You couldn't have done anything to hurt me more." job I don't even want. I say, "But you're not. You're different. I will never look at you in the same way again. It's a visceral feeling. Maybe because I'm your mother All those years of looking after your body-taking you to the dentist and making you drink milk and worrying about green leafy vegetables and sunscreen and cancer from mobile phones. And then you let some stranger inject ink under your skin. To me, it seems like self-mutilation. If you'd lost your arm in a car accident, I would have understood. I would have done everything to make you feel better But this -this is desecration. And I hate it." 'M SHRIEKING regretityet You guys. gutmeats The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; pack up the moon and dismantle the sun. What the fuck mustlearntoadult SOMEONE LINK THE ARTICLE wepon a classi doctorangelpenguin As I was reading this I kept waiting for the tattoo to be revealed as like a nazi symbol or some racist shit like for the kkk of something but nope..... She was just THAT hurt by ink lilaccoloursplash You left out the BEST part-stand, a lone tyrannosaurus, bellowing at a world i don't understand." spontaneoustornadoes This woman's writing skills holy fuck Source: elsas #give them to me #that stars moon sun quote? raw as F U C K 49,991 notes I thought it was satire. It wasnt.
Crying, Head, and Kkk: It's just a tattoo," he says, when the silence goes on so long that we have nearly
 fallen over the edge of it into a pit of black nothingness. "It's not as if I came home
 and said I'd got someone pregnant.
 It seems to me, unhinged by shock, that this might have been the better option.
 His father says, "Where?"
 "On my arm," he says, and touches his bicep through his shirt.
 His lovely shoulder.
 For three days, I can't speak to my son. I can hardly bear to look at him. I decide
 this is rational. The last thing we need, I think, is an explosion of white-hot words
 that
 In any case, I'm not even sure what it is I want to say. In my mind's eye I stand
 there, a bitter old woman with pursed lips wringing my black-gloved hands. He's
 done the one thing that I've said for years, please d
 upset me if you did this. And now it's happened. So there's nothing left to say
 everyone carries around for the rest of their lives, e
 ngraved on their hearts.
 on't do this. It would really
 So I cry instead. I have a lump in my throat that stops me from eating. I feel as if
 someone has died. I keep thinking of his skin, his precious skin, inked like a pig
 carcasS
 My husband asks, "Have you seen it yet?"
 I shake my head. Like a child, I am hoping that if I keep my eyes tightly shut the
 whole thing will disappear
 It's his body," he says gently. "His choice.
 But what if he wants to be a lawyer?
 A lawyer?
 "Or an accountant."
 He'll be wearing a suit. No one will ever know. And he doesn't want to be a
 I know. I know
 tifalockharts
 this article about some woman's 21 y/o son coming home from school w/ a
 tattoo is THE funniest thing i have seen today
 tifalockharts
 On day three, still in a fog of misery, I say to him, "Shall we talk?"
 We sit down with cups of coffee. I open my mouth to speak and end up crying
 instead. I say, "You couldn't have done anything to hurt me more."
 job I don't even want. I say, "But you're not. You're different. I will never look at
 you in the same way again. It's a visceral feeling. Maybe because I'm your mother
 All those years of looking after your body-taking you to the dentist and making
 you drink milk and worrying about green leafy vegetables and sunscreen and
 cancer from mobile phones. And then you let some stranger inject ink under your
 skin. To me, it seems like self-mutilation. If you'd lost your arm in a car accident, I
 would have understood. I would have done everything to make you feel better
 But this -this is desecration. And I hate it."
 'M SHRIEKING
 regretityet
 You guys.
 gutmeats
 The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
 pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
 What the fuck
 mustlearntoadult
 SOMEONE LINK THE ARTICLE
 wepon
 a classi
 doctorangelpenguin
 As I was reading this I kept waiting for the tattoo to be revealed as like a nazi
 symbol or some racist shit like for the kkk of something but nope..... She was
 just THAT hurt by ink
 lilaccoloursplash
 You left out the BEST part-stand, a lone tyrannosaurus, bellowing at a world i
 don't understand."
 spontaneoustornadoes
 This woman's writing skills holy fuck
 Source: elsas #give them to me #that stars moon sun quote? raw as F U C K
 49,991 notes
I thought it was satire. It wasnt.

I thought it was satire. It wasnt.