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Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. oh my god these are great fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates I can feel the frustration
Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark:

minority-cubed:

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes


The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates

I can feel the frustration

feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a...

America, Ass, and Bitch: oyal HighnesS Follow @FlawdazFinest86 Really @DunkinDonuts? 2:45 PM - 18 Nov 2017 from Dunkin' Donuts 543 Retweets 2,626 Likes Raphael Follow @iam_raph Do you think this woman would prefer to carry around her child at work if she had another choice? You have no clue what the back story is behind this pic but here you are, snitching on what could probably be a single mother dedicated to making sure her son can eat. Wild Royal Highness@FlawdazFinest86 Really @DunkinDonuts? 11:25 AM 20 Nov 2017 149,586 Retweets 366,288 Likes captain-snark: lonely-vault-boy: lord-kitschener: leggo-my-steggo: agirlwithachakram: labellabrianna: gahdamnpunk: women just can’t win.. I’ve had to bring my daughter into work with me a couple times. 🤷🏽‍♀️ How about: Really, Dunkin’ Donuts? You don’t pay enough for this woman to get childcare or paid maternity leave? How about: Really, America? You don’t have childcare and maternity leave covered as a standard right? but also fuck Dunkin’ Donuts too I hope that bitch-ass snitch never has another good day again for a long time Okay, yeah, sure, maternity leave and shit is understandable, but what I believe what the picture (correct me if I’m wrong) is implying is that it’s unsanitary as fuck to have a child behind the counter where the food is. (At least, at all the Dunkin’ Donuts I’ve been to, they openly display the donuts.) Listen, I’ve gone to dunkin donuts where the men’s bathroom looked like the toilet threw up and watched several employees and a manager USE the bathroom and just leave without giving a fuck.Been to a dunkin donuts where a friend asked an employee to make sure her drink was half ice and the woman put something in her drink.Is it sanitary? No, obviously not. Do you think employees at Dunkin Donuts and other places get paid enough to give a shit about health and safety when they don’t make enough to take care about their own health and safety?No, probably not.I’d rather get this kid’s cold on my donut than go to fucking Chipotle and get e coli because i ate some lettuce.I’d also rather the kid give people his sickness than him getting accidentally scalded by hot water. Lets also talk about the times where people of color have had to leave their kids in mall food courts and the like in order to either go to work/job interview whatever and have been arrested for child abandonment.Capitalism is a fucking joke.
America, Ass, and Bitch: oyal HighnesS
 Follow
 @FlawdazFinest86
 Really @DunkinDonuts?
 2:45 PM - 18 Nov 2017 from Dunkin' Donuts
 543 Retweets 2,626 Likes

 Raphael
 Follow
 @iam_raph
 Do you think this woman would prefer to
 carry around her child at work if she had
 another choice? You have no clue what the
 back story is behind this pic but here you are,
 snitching on what could probably be a single
 mother dedicated to making sure her son can
 eat. Wild
 Royal Highness@FlawdazFinest86
 Really @DunkinDonuts?
 11:25 AM 20 Nov 2017
 149,586 Retweets 366,288 Likes
captain-snark:

lonely-vault-boy:
lord-kitschener:

leggo-my-steggo:


agirlwithachakram:

labellabrianna:

gahdamnpunk:
women just can’t win..

I’ve had to bring my daughter into work with me a couple times. 🤷🏽‍♀️ 

How about: Really, Dunkin’ Donuts? You don’t pay enough for this woman to get childcare or paid maternity leave?

How about: Really, America? You don’t have childcare and maternity leave covered as a standard right?
but also fuck Dunkin’ Donuts too


I hope that bitch-ass snitch never has another good day again for a long time

Okay, yeah, sure, maternity leave and shit is understandable, but what I believe what the picture (correct me if I’m wrong) is implying is that it’s unsanitary as fuck to have a child behind the counter where the food is. (At least, at all the Dunkin’ Donuts I’ve been to, they openly display the donuts.)

Listen, I’ve gone to dunkin donuts where the men’s bathroom looked like the toilet threw up and watched several employees and a manager USE the bathroom and just leave without giving a fuck.Been to a dunkin donuts where a friend asked an employee to make sure her drink was half ice and the woman put something in her drink.Is it sanitary? No, obviously not. Do you think employees at Dunkin Donuts and other places get paid enough to give a shit about health and safety when they don’t make enough to take care about their own health and safety?No, probably not.I’d rather get this kid’s cold on my donut than go to fucking Chipotle and get e coli because i ate some lettuce.I’d also rather the kid give people his sickness than him getting accidentally scalded by hot water. Lets also talk about the times where people of color have had to leave their kids in mall food courts and the like in order to either go to work/job interview whatever and have been arrested for child abandonment.Capitalism is a fucking joke.

captain-snark: lonely-vault-boy: lord-kitschener: leggo-my-steggo: agirlwithachakram: labellabrianna: gahdamnpunk: women just can’t wi...

Target, Tumblr, and Blog: OK rosswoodpark: gayasterix:this episode gave us gay rights AND literally the funniest 30 seconds ever put on television
Target, Tumblr, and Blog: OK
rosswoodpark:

gayasterix:this episode gave us gay rights AND literally the funniest 30 seconds ever put on television

rosswoodpark: gayasterix:this episode gave us gay rights AND literally the funniest 30 seconds ever put on television

God, Head, and Oh My God: Instructions: YOU MATCHED WITH ON 11/05/2019 ose any topic and I'll give you a pick up line related to it 1) You add potatoes to medium pot & fill with water until all potatoes are covered and static Yesterday 15:11 2) Only season with salt as extra nando's creamy mash x 3) Use the hob to bring to the boil & reduce to a simmer until potatoes are tender. After roughly 15 minutes remove heat from pan Yesterday 18:17 Ingredients: 500g Gold Potatoes (peeled and chopped into large chunks) 1/2 stick unsalted butter,+2 tablespoons, divided 1/2 head of garlic (cloves smashed) 1/3 cup warm heavy cream 14 cup sour cream 14 tsp. salt 4) After, melt butter on a low heat or semi 5) Remove as milk solids rise to the top. Be careful as these may 6) Easily add garlic & cook on low for 15 minutes then remove the garlic area Instructions: 7) Visibly check potatoes and drain thoroughly so they are not too thiclk 1) You add potatoes to medium pot & fill with water until all potatoes are covered and static 8) Essentially, while potatoes are hot, pass through a potato ricer and add back to pot above 2) Only season with salt as extra for you 8) Essentially, while potatoes are hot, pass through a potato ricer and add back to pot above 12) Upon transferring to a serving dish, melt remaining butter too 9) Rinse in melted butter, salt, heavy cream & sour cream carefully 13) Time to pour over potatoes then garnish with paprika, just like on the menu 10) Yielding a hand held mixer beat the potatoes on high until potatoes are smooth and fluffy also 14) Eat and enjoy, makes a great treat Read the first letter of each of the 14 instructions from the Nando's creamy mash recipe 11) Carefully season with salt and pepper, with the perfect amount Yesterday 23:45 12) Upon transferring to a serving dish, melt remaining butter too oh my god that's amazing 13) Time to pour over potatoes then garnish with paprika, just like on the menu Today 05:49 Now read the last letter of each of the 14 instructions 14) Eat and enjoy, makes a great treat Read the first letter of each of the 14 instructions from the Nando's creamy mash recipe Today 08:59 after that, yeah you can The effort I put into this seemed to pay off
God, Head, and Oh My God: Instructions:
 YOU MATCHED WITH ON 11/05/2019
 ose any topic and I'll give you a
 pick up line related to it
 1) You add potatoes to medium
 pot & fill with water until all
 potatoes are covered and static
 Yesterday 15:11
 2) Only season with salt as extra
 nando's creamy mash x
 3) Use the hob to bring to the boil
 & reduce to a simmer until
 potatoes are tender. After roughly
 15 minutes remove heat from pan
 Yesterday 18:17
 Ingredients:
 500g Gold Potatoes (peeled and
 chopped into large chunks)
 1/2 stick unsalted butter,+2
 tablespoons, divided
 1/2 head of garlic (cloves
 smashed)
 1/3 cup warm heavy cream
 14 cup sour cream
 14 tsp. salt
 4) After, melt butter on a low heat
 or semi
 5) Remove as milk solids rise to
 the top. Be careful as these may
 6) Easily add garlic & cook on low
 for 15 minutes then remove the
 garlic area
 Instructions:
 7) Visibly check potatoes and
 drain thoroughly so they are not
 too thiclk
 1) You add potatoes to medium
 pot & fill with water until all
 potatoes are covered and static
 8) Essentially, while potatoes are
 hot, pass through a potato ricer
 and add back to pot above
 2) Only season with salt as extra
 for you
 8) Essentially, while potatoes are
 hot, pass through a potato ricer
 and add back to pot above
 12) Upon transferring to a serving
 dish, melt remaining butter too
 9) Rinse in melted butter, salt,
 heavy cream & sour cream
 carefully
 13) Time to pour over potatoes
 then garnish with paprika, just like
 on the menu
 10) Yielding a hand held mixer
 beat the potatoes on high until
 potatoes are smooth and fluffy
 also
 14) Eat and enjoy, makes a great
 treat
 Read the first letter of each of the
 14 instructions from the Nando's
 creamy mash recipe
 11) Carefully season with salt and
 pepper, with the perfect amount
 Yesterday 23:45
 12) Upon transferring to a serving
 dish, melt remaining butter too
 oh my god
 that's amazing
 13) Time to pour over potatoes
 then garnish with paprika, just like
 on the menu
 Today 05:49
 Now read the last letter of each of
 the 14 instructions
 14) Eat and enjoy, makes a great
 treat
 Read the first letter of each of the
 14 instructions from the Nando's
 creamy mash recipe
 Today 08:59
 after that, yeah you can
The effort I put into this seemed to pay off

The effort I put into this seemed to pay off