"Some awful shit happened today, but first, what are the Kardashians doing?"
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Trumping
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Crapping
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Crapping

The
The

The

That Was Fast
That Was Fast

That Was Fast

Gardening
Gardening

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Dank, Funny, and Memes: TIME SUBSCRIBE SCIENCE Manatees Are No Longer Listed as Endangered Species Dank Coal Sijposting MANITY RESTORED feanor-the-dragon: ginchface: positive-memes: Wholesome Manatees this is actually bullshit trump administration deregulation, the manatee is still in danger. in fact, the trump administration recently weakened the endangered species act in general so that people now have to consider the financial cost of saving a species that may or may not be declared endangered.  remember that an endangered species isn’t governed by like the UN or something, it’s an invention of the american government to protect at-risk species—and they’re redefining what an endangered species actually is, so people don’t have to consider them anymore. they’re redefining what an endangered species actually is, so people don’t have to consider them anymore. Guys! Guys guys guys! WHAT THE F*CK THIS IS THE VERSION YOU NEED TO REBLOG. Here is a link with more recent info. the article linked by previous person was from 2017. This one is from this year and highlights the changes and effects. And here is the official release The biggest change is that protections will be given based on economic considerations. Allegedly, this is to reduce the burden on the american public, which is funny, considering certain things we won’t unpack right here. Have a look, see for yourself. Guys, boost this.
Dank, Funny, and Memes: TIME
 SUBSCRIBE
 SCIENCE
 Manatees Are No
 Longer Listed as
 Endangered Species
 Dank Coal
 Sijposting
 MANITY RESTORED
feanor-the-dragon:

ginchface:

positive-memes:
Wholesome Manatees
this is actually bullshit trump administration deregulation, the manatee is still in danger.
in fact, the trump administration recently weakened the endangered species act in general so that people now have to consider the financial cost of saving a species that may or may not be declared endangered. 
remember that an endangered species isn’t governed by like the UN or something, it’s an invention of the american government to protect at-risk species—and they’re redefining what an endangered species actually is, so people don’t have to consider them anymore.

they’re redefining what an endangered species actually is, so people don’t have to consider them anymore.  
Guys! Guys guys guys! WHAT THE F*CK THIS IS THE VERSION YOU NEED TO REBLOG.
Here is a link with more recent info. the article linked by previous person was from 2017. This one is from this year and highlights the changes and effects.
And here is the official release
The biggest change is that protections will be given based on economic considerations. Allegedly, this is to reduce the burden on the american public, which is funny, considering certain things we won’t unpack right here. Have a look, see for yourself.
Guys, boost this.

feanor-the-dragon: ginchface: positive-memes: Wholesome Manatees this is actually bullshit trump administration deregulation, the manatee ...

Bitch, Children, and Fall: arianod: rainbowbarnacle: alexander-lamington: gallusrostromegalus: jhaernyl: botanyshitposts: spirit-of-science: thebloggerbloggerfun: teafortrouble: eteo: fall-for-nothing: trickster-eridan: buttpilgrim: scientificperfection: kittiesinthemorning: I just don’t understand how this happened. But here’s a picture of a lemon from my backyard WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK when life gives yoǘ̻̬͓͎̣̟̩̦͢ ͪ̂̀̆҉̳̘̝̺̀l͇̬̹̞̻̥͕̥̗̒̎ͩ̋ͥ͆e͙̭̭̠̣̠̊́ͩ̂̓̀ṃ̛̍̂͛̈̏o̠̪̪ͤ͗͘n̵͉̣ͭͧ̿ͧ͛̀s̷̠͑ͬͫͦ̅͡ ̸͐ͤ͘҉̦̺M̰̹͙͇ͮ̉ͫͅȦ̻̔̅̇̑ͭ͛͋͘K̠̻̫̤̇̀ͥE͂ͪ͏̱̤͚͕ ̞͔̜̬̑ͯ͑͢ͅŞ͔̦̩̳̣̖ͮ͊ͨA͈̓͂̈́̀̀̚͘C̡̠̟͉ͪ͆̔ͤ͂ͪR̬͙͕ͪ̀͠Ĩ̵̖͚̑̊̓́F͎͕̄Iͬͧ̀̂̑ͪ͟͏̴̪̤ͅC̢̰̝͓̗͛ͬ̔̍̓́́̚̚Ḙ̶̠̰̳̩̳̊ͭͮ̇̇̚̕S̻͖̣̰̒̈͟ it’s back Satan lemon every villain is lemons And finally, dear listeners, a reminder; several concerned citizens have brought to the city’s attention an irregularity surrounding this summer’s citrus harvest. City council would like to remind all enterprising fruit pickers to exercise reasonable caution when acquiring these fruits. Grasp the fruit firmly around its circumference, pull slowly but steadily to avoid damaging the tree, and under no circumstances heed its demands of you. Do not acknowledge or obey the depraved whisperings of the demon fruit. And now: The Weather. This kind of looks like a Buddha’s hand to me they’re a type of Citron, a citrus closely related to lemons. I wonder if whatever causes that twistedness in Buddha’s hands is present but dormant/recessive in other citruses? @botanyshitposts do you know about this? a lot of people having been messaging me about this, and honestly i had no idea that Buddha’s hands existed and it totally seems likely to me??? like honestly that seems like a really plausible explanation, especially because when we look at the demon fruit, the twisty ‘arms’ are going off in all different directions when the only place i can see a twisty arm happening on a lemon is on the top. like if the fruit is developing from the original growth point into a body then why are the offshoots developing the opposite way, from a body into a twisty thing? when in a Buddha’s hand, it totally makes sense because the twisty things are growing outward anyway.  im no pomologist but the similarities in the growth patterns really do reflect in The Demon Fruit.  @gallusrostromegalus WAIT I KNOW THIS ONE! The short version is that Citrus is a slutty, slutty genus of plants that can knock up pretty much any other member of the genus and uh… it’s mots recent relative as of 7 million years ago, becuase why not. Usually that makes for tasty children like tangerines and whatnot, but sometimes Weird Shit happens. All modern citrus are descended from Mandrin oranges, Pumelos and Etrogs, the latter being closest to lemons and which looks like this: It’s big and lumpy and mostly pith but also tasty as hell so Ye Ancient Malay Archipeligo Orchard Guy gets to breeding these for more tasty innards, presumable inventing lemonade in the process.  YAMAOG also finds out that it’s REALLY easy to seriously mess with the overall appearence of the fruit of these very inbred etrogs, and starts breeding all kinds of nonsense, like Bhudda’s palms, Modern Lemons and Grapefruit. YAMAOG also noticed that in addition to the occasional ugly inbred mule child, you can also get really strange looking fruit if the tree gets sick, is malnourished, if any part of the flower is damaged, or if the weather just sucks that year.  In addition to being a Major Slut, Citrus is also a Fussy Bitch. Looking at the Demon Fruit, my best guesses are If you’ve had weird-shaped fruits off that tree before, you might have a very strange hybrid tree like the dachsund-pitbull one of my neighbors owns. If it’s only the one fruit, and your tree is producing otherwise normal lemons, that particular flower or branch took some kind of damage or had a viral infection, which fucked up all the hormones and hence your lemon has gone all Ending-Of-Akira on you. GOOD NEWS FOR BOTH SCENARIOS: unless the fruit looks like it’s actually rotting, it’s safe to eat!  weird fruit shapes in lemons pretty much never makes them dangerous, just maybe a bit more tart than usual. Enjoy a nice glass of demonfruit juice! @motorizedduck relevant
Bitch, Children, and Fall: arianod:

rainbowbarnacle:

alexander-lamington:

gallusrostromegalus:

jhaernyl:

botanyshitposts:


spirit-of-science:

thebloggerbloggerfun:

teafortrouble:

eteo:

fall-for-nothing:

trickster-eridan:

buttpilgrim:

scientificperfection:

kittiesinthemorning:

I just don’t understand how this happened. But here’s a picture of a lemon from my backyard

WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK

when life gives yoǘ̻̬͓͎̣̟̩̦͢ ͪ̂̀̆҉̳̘̝̺̀l͇̬̹̞̻̥͕̥̗̒̎ͩ̋ͥ͆e͙̭̭̠̣̠̊́ͩ̂̓̀ṃ̛̍̂͛̈̏o̠̪̪ͤ͗͘n̵͉̣ͭͧ̿ͧ͛̀s̷̠͑ͬͫͦ̅͡ ̸͐ͤ͘҉̦̺M̰̹͙͇ͮ̉ͫͅȦ̻̔̅̇̑ͭ͛͋͘K̠̻̫̤̇̀ͥE͂ͪ͏̱̤͚͕ ̞͔̜̬̑ͯ͑͢ͅŞ͔̦̩̳̣̖ͮ͊ͨA͈̓͂̈́̀̀̚͘C̡̠̟͉ͪ͆̔ͤ͂ͪR̬͙͕ͪ̀͠Ĩ̵̖͚̑̊̓́F͎͕̄Iͬͧ̀̂̑ͪ͟͏̴̪̤ͅC̢̰̝͓̗͛ͬ̔̍̓́́̚̚Ḙ̶̠̰̳̩̳̊ͭͮ̇̇̚̕S̻͖̣̰̒̈͟

it’s back

Satan lemon

every villain is lemons

And finally, dear listeners, a reminder; several concerned citizens have brought to the city’s attention an irregularity surrounding this summer’s citrus harvest. City council would like to remind all enterprising fruit pickers to exercise reasonable caution when acquiring these fruits. Grasp the fruit firmly around its circumference, pull slowly but steadily to avoid damaging the tree, and under no circumstances heed its demands of you. Do not acknowledge or obey the depraved whisperings of the demon fruit.

And now: The Weather.

This kind of looks like a Buddha’s hand to me
they’re a type of Citron, a citrus closely related to lemons. I wonder if whatever causes that twistedness in Buddha’s hands is present but dormant/recessive in other citruses?

@botanyshitposts do you know about this?

a lot of people having been messaging me about this, and honestly i had no idea that Buddha’s hands existed and it totally seems likely to me??? like honestly that seems like a really plausible explanation, especially because when we look at the demon fruit, the twisty ‘arms’ are going off in all different directions when the only place i can see a twisty arm happening on a lemon is on the top. like if the fruit is developing from the original growth point into a body then why are the offshoots developing the opposite way, from a body into a twisty thing? when in a Buddha’s hand, it totally makes sense because the twisty things are growing outward anyway. 
im no pomologist but the similarities in the growth patterns really do reflect in The Demon Fruit. 


@gallusrostromegalus 

WAIT I KNOW THIS ONE!
The short version is that Citrus is a slutty, slutty genus of plants that can knock up pretty much any other member of the genus and uh… it’s mots recent relative as of 7 million years ago, becuase why not. Usually that makes for tasty children like tangerines and whatnot, but sometimes Weird Shit happens.
All modern citrus are descended from Mandrin oranges, Pumelos and Etrogs, the latter being closest to lemons and which looks like this:
It’s big and lumpy and mostly pith but also tasty as hell so Ye Ancient Malay Archipeligo Orchard Guy gets to breeding these for more tasty innards, presumable inventing lemonade in the process.  YAMAOG also finds out that it’s REALLY easy to seriously mess with the overall appearence of the fruit of these very inbred etrogs, and starts breeding all kinds of nonsense, like Bhudda’s palms, Modern Lemons and Grapefruit.
YAMAOG also noticed that in addition to the occasional ugly inbred mule child, you can also get really strange looking fruit if the tree gets sick, is malnourished, if any part of the flower is damaged, or if the weather just sucks that year.  In addition to being a Major Slut, Citrus is also a Fussy Bitch.
Looking at the Demon Fruit, my best guesses are
If you’ve had weird-shaped fruits off that tree before, you might have a very strange hybrid tree like the dachsund-pitbull one of my neighbors owns.
If it’s only the one fruit, and your tree is producing otherwise normal lemons, that particular flower or branch took some kind of damage or had a viral infection, which fucked up all the hormones and hence your lemon has gone all Ending-Of-Akira on you.
GOOD NEWS FOR BOTH SCENARIOS: unless the fruit looks like it’s actually rotting, it’s safe to eat!  weird fruit shapes in lemons pretty much never makes them dangerous, just maybe a bit more tart than usual.
Enjoy a nice glass of demonfruit juice!



@motorizedduck

relevant

arianod: rainbowbarnacle: alexander-lamington: gallusrostromegalus: jhaernyl: botanyshitposts: spirit-of-science: thebloggerbloggerf...

Bad, Jesus, and Lol: Today jesus you are rough on pants 331 A get angry with them that have to wear them. 700 AM holy hell, there are better ways to deal with that than to mas- sacre them. Most of us just, stay with me here... Take them off poor things did nothing to you. 740 AM The First step is admitting vou have a problem though. so it sounds like you've accepted your role in this and are ready for the next step. 744 AM Absolutely ready for the next step. Just not sure what that is lol 749 AM we've got to get you out of them and to an environment where you can't hurt them anymore. we in the industry call this place, 'South, I've been there, and you wouldn't believe it. there is not a single pant in sight. the good news is Im an expert at finding this mysterious place. I can guide you out of those pants and in to something far less appropriate 756 AM Sounds like an excellent next step 804 AM I think we need to rehearse before we take any drastic steps I'm going to need to see what I'm getting myself into. 811 AM Rehearsal is a must 812 AM Rehearsals start Monday Anytime that works for you. I do make house calls, but it's going to cost you extra 816 AM Oh darn. Not sure I can afford extra and leave a nice tip В19 АМ Don't worry about the tip, we can work something out а21 AN Oh perfect! 822 AM for my records I'm going to need you to fill out these forms. Full name: Proffered Contact: requested Appointment time Location 824 AM reason for visit 824 AM 9:45pm .I've been naughty.. 8:25 AM ille Oh forgot one. 826 AM Ok I've got you booked in for Monday I will be out of the office this weekend but just in case things get bad and you need to talk, ill keep my phone on me. looking forvward to touching bases with you and getting you out of those pants. 834 A Sounds great. Thanks so much for all the help and support 8:35 AM +pes meesnge She had 5 photos with ripped jeans
Bad, Jesus, and Lol: Today
 jesus you are rough on pants
 331 A
 get angry with them that
 have to wear them.
 700 AM
 holy hell, there are better ways
 to deal with that than to mas-
 sacre them. Most of us just, stay
 with me here... Take them off
 poor things did nothing to you.
 740 AM
 The First step is admitting vou
 have a problem though. so it
 sounds like you've accepted your
 role in this and are ready for the
 next step.
 744 AM
 Absolutely ready for the
 next step. Just not sure
 what that is lol
 749 AM
 we've got to get you out of them
 and to an environment where
 you can't hurt them anymore.
 we in the industry call this place,
 'South, I've been there, and you
 wouldn't believe it. there is not
 a single pant in sight. the good
 news is Im an expert at finding
 this mysterious place. I can guide
 you out of those pants and in to
 something far less appropriate
 756 AM
 Sounds like an excellent
 next step
 804 AM
 I think we need to rehearse
 before we take any drastic steps
 I'm going to need to see what I'm
 getting myself into.
 811 AM
 Rehearsal is a must
 812 AM
 Rehearsals start Monday Anytime
 that works for you. I do make
 house calls, but it's going to cost
 you extra
 816 AM
 Oh darn. Not sure I can
 afford extra and leave a
 nice tip
 В19 АМ
 Don't worry about the tip, we can
 work something out
 а21 AN
 Oh perfect!
 822 AM
 for my records I'm going to need
 you to fill out these forms.
 Full name:
 Proffered Contact:
 requested Appointment
 time
 Location
 824 AM
 reason for visit
 824 AM
 9:45pm
 .I've been naughty..
 8:25 AM
 ille
 Oh forgot one.
 826 AM
 Ok I've got you booked in for
 Monday I will be out of the office
 this weekend but just in case
 things get bad and you need
 to talk, ill keep my phone on
 me. looking forvward to touching
 bases with you and getting you
 out of those pants.
 834 A
 Sounds great. Thanks so
 much for all the help and
 support
 8:35 AM
 +pes meesnge
She had 5 photos with ripped jeans

She had 5 photos with ripped jeans

Computers, News, and Tumblr: Charles Hymas @charleshymas Artificial intelligence (Al) and face recognition technology is being used for the first time in job interviews in the UK to identify the best candidates. telegraph.co.uk/news/2019/09/2.. William Perrin and 9 others 9:07 AM Sep 28, 2019 Twitter Web App assorted troublemakers @quatoria it's an amazing act of stage magic white supremacy has pulled, to transfer it's values and norms to "artificial intelligence" and then, because they successfully taught a computer to be racist (congrats i guess?) pretend that it is now neutral and objective and unassailable assorted troublemakers @quatoria like, teaching a facial recognition system to make judgements based on posting those same BS eugenics into a screed on livejournal in that the output of both procedures is identically unsound garbage - but one is called "objective" eugenicist BS is *exactly* like 7:57 PM Sep 30, 2019 Twitter Web Client assorted troublemakers @quatoria as though computers had some magical inherent property within them that transforms all of their output into reasonable, logical, defensible things, as if they magic black box that takes in input and were a produces Correct Results assorted troublemakers @quatoria you can get literally *any* desired output from systems like these, when designing them. it is laughable to pretend otherwise. 8:00 PM Sep 30, 2019 Twitter Web Client uncommonbish: Can we please get just one robot apocalypse movie where white supremacy is correctly identified as the catalyst for war?
Computers, News, and Tumblr: Charles Hymas
 @charleshymas
 Artificial intelligence (Al) and face recognition
 technology is being used for the first time in job
 interviews in the UK to identify the best candidates.
 telegraph.co.uk/news/2019/09/2..
 William Perrin and 9 others
 9:07 AM Sep 28, 2019 Twitter Web App

 assorted troublemakers
 @quatoria
 it's an amazing act of stage magic white supremacy has
 pulled, to transfer it's values and norms to "artificial
 intelligence" and then, because they successfully taught
 a computer to be racist (congrats i guess?) pretend that
 it is now neutral and objective and unassailable

 assorted troublemakers
 @quatoria
 like, teaching a facial recognition system to make
 judgements based on
 posting those same BS eugenics into a screed on
 livejournal in that the output of both procedures is
 identically unsound garbage - but one is called
 "objective"
 eugenicist BS is *exactly* like
 7:57 PM Sep 30, 2019 Twitter Web Client

 assorted troublemakers
 @quatoria
 as though computers had some magical inherent
 property within them that transforms all of their output
 into reasonable, logical, defensible things, as if they
 magic black box that takes in input and
 were a
 produces Correct Results

 assorted troublemakers
 @quatoria
 you can get literally *any* desired output from systems
 like these, when designing them. it is laughable to
 pretend otherwise.
 8:00 PM Sep 30, 2019 Twitter Web Client
uncommonbish:


Can we please get just one robot apocalypse movie where white supremacy is correctly identified as the catalyst for war?

uncommonbish: Can we please get just one robot apocalypse movie where white supremacy is correctly identified as the catalyst for war?

Alive, Apparently, and Bad: ORihad Herrma M S youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.] Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE. They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. “If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. “Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it. LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless floating garbage i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees be nice to them they’re doing their best :(
Alive, Apparently, and Bad: ORihad Herrma M
 S
youmakemelikecharity:

rock-moms:

vastderp:

gaybuttfuckzone:

deltasniper1000:

So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]

Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.

THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)

They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.

They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. 

So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. 

“If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.

They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.

They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. 

“Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. 

BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. 

And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.


LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo
 the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not
 sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by 
turning on their side and using them as 
wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” 
their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they
 have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they 
are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold 
water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they 
just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the 
full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless 
floating garbage



i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees


be nice to them they’re doing their best :(

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