do you


                    
                    
                

                

                

            

        
    







            

            
            

                

                    
                

                

                    

                        


	

	
    
        

            

                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

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        How Do You Like Them Apples
        

            
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How Do You Like Them Apples

    



                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

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        🔥 | Latest
    

    
    

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                




    Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark:

minority-cubed:

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes


The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates

I can feel the frustration 
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark:

minority-cubed:

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes


The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates

I can feel the frustration 
                
            

            
            
feniczoroark:

minority-cubed:

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a...

            
            
        

    



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                




    Advice, Af, and Beautiful: About an hour ago, I was in Walmart looking
 for my conditioner because today is wash day
 for my hair. As I'm looking for my product, this
 older white lady approaches me and she says,
 "Excuse me, miss. Please don't be offended by
 this." And usually when white people tell me not
 to be offended, 9 times out of 10, whatever they
 are about to say is going to be offensive af
 Anyway, she follows it up with, "My husband
 and I just recently won our custody battle with
 our foster daughter and she means the world
 to us. She's a beautiful African American girl
 and her hair looks a lot like yours. But I'm afraid
 because I don't know what to do with her hair
 It's a lot different from mines and our other
 children and we are at a total loss. l've tried
 looking up the YouTube videos and my husband
 went to the braiding shops so they can teach
 him how to properly braid her hair, but he's still
 pretty new and it will be a while before he gets
 used to it. Do you have any tips you can give
 me? If you don't have the time, it's okay, really! I
 just needed a little advice because I want her to
 look beautiful."
 Y'all. swear I almost started crying on aisle 6. So
 for the last 30 minutes, I spent my time talking
 to her and what products to use and how to
 properly detangle and comb her hair with the
 proper tools and what not to do with natural
 hair. And I showed her a bunch of easier to fol-
 low natural hair tutorials on YouTube and saved
 them for her. (I also had to create a YouTube
 account for her so she could save it for later.)
 but omfg, she was so sweet, and I could tell that
 she listened to every single thing I had to say
 and she took little notes on her little notepad.
 And what really filled my heart was the fact
 that her husband actually taking classes from
 African braiding shops. And she showed me a
 picture of him wearing a little sweater vest and
 loafers in a little shop surrounded by beautiful
 black women showing him how to braid black
 hair and even the lady he's braiding on is
 guiding his hands. And omfg. Bless these old
 white people and their black daughter who l
 know have new loving parents because they are
 willing to step out of their comfort zone just to
 make her feel and look beautiful.
This is a little long but TOTALLY worth the read!
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Advice, Af, and Beautiful: About an hour ago, I was in Walmart looking
 for my conditioner because today is wash day
 for my hair. As I'm looking for my product, this
 older white lady approaches me and she says,
 "Excuse me, miss. Please don't be offended by
 this." And usually when white people tell me not
 to be offended, 9 times out of 10, whatever they
 are about to say is going to be offensive af
 Anyway, she follows it up with, "My husband
 and I just recently won our custody battle with
 our foster daughter and she means the world
 to us. She's a beautiful African American girl
 and her hair looks a lot like yours. But I'm afraid
 because I don't know what to do with her hair
 It's a lot different from mines and our other
 children and we are at a total loss. l've tried
 looking up the YouTube videos and my husband
 went to the braiding shops so they can teach
 him how to properly braid her hair, but he's still
 pretty new and it will be a while before he gets
 used to it. Do you have any tips you can give
 me? If you don't have the time, it's okay, really! I
 just needed a little advice because I want her to
 look beautiful."
 Y'all. swear I almost started crying on aisle 6. So
 for the last 30 minutes, I spent my time talking
 to her and what products to use and how to
 properly detangle and comb her hair with the
 proper tools and what not to do with natural
 hair. And I showed her a bunch of easier to fol-
 low natural hair tutorials on YouTube and saved
 them for her. (I also had to create a YouTube
 account for her so she could save it for later.)
 but omfg, she was so sweet, and I could tell that
 she listened to every single thing I had to say
 and she took little notes on her little notepad.
 And what really filled my heart was the fact
 that her husband actually taking classes from
 African braiding shops. And she showed me a
 picture of him wearing a little sweater vest and
 loafers in a little shop surrounded by beautiful
 black women showing him how to braid black
 hair and even the lady he's braiding on is
 guiding his hands. And omfg. Bless these old
 white people and their black daughter who l
 know have new loving parents because they are
 willing to step out of their comfort zone just to
 make her feel and look beautiful.
This is a little long but TOTALLY worth the read!
                
            

            
            
This is a little long but TOTALLY worth the read!

            
            
        

    



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                




    America, Ass, and Bitch: oyal HighnesS
 Follow
 @FlawdazFinest86
 Really @DunkinDonuts?
 2:45 PM - 18 Nov 2017 from Dunkin' Donuts
 543 Retweets 2,626 Likes

 Raphael
 Follow
 @iam_raph
 Do you think this woman would prefer to
 carry around her child at work if she had
 another choice? You have no clue what the
 back story is behind this pic but here you are,
 snitching on what could probably be a single
 mother dedicated to making sure her son can
 eat. Wild
 Royal Highness@FlawdazFinest86
 Really @DunkinDonuts?
 11:25 AM 20 Nov 2017
 149,586 Retweets 366,288 Likes
captain-snark:

lonely-vault-boy:
lord-kitschener:

leggo-my-steggo:


agirlwithachakram:

labellabrianna:

gahdamnpunk:
women just can’t win..

I’ve had to bring my daughter into work with me a couple times. 🤷🏽‍♀️ 

How about: Really, Dunkin’ Donuts? You don’t pay enough for this woman to get childcare or paid maternity leave?

How about: Really, America? You don’t have childcare and maternity leave covered as a standard right?
but also fuck Dunkin’ Donuts too


I hope that bitch-ass snitch never has another good day again for a long time

Okay, yeah, sure, maternity leave and shit is understandable, but what I believe what the picture (correct me if I’m wrong) is implying is that it’s unsanitary as fuck to have a child behind the counter where the food is. (At least, at all the Dunkin’ Donuts I’ve been to, they openly display the donuts.)

Listen, I’ve gone to dunkin donuts where the men’s bathroom looked like the toilet threw up and watched several employees and a manager USE the bathroom and just leave without giving a fuck.Been to a dunkin donuts where a friend asked an employee to make sure her drink was half ice and the woman put something in her drink.Is it sanitary? No, obviously not. Do you think employees at Dunkin Donuts and other places get paid enough to give a shit about health and safety when they don’t make enough to take care about their own health and safety?No, probably not.I’d rather get this kid’s cold on my donut than go to fucking Chipotle and get e coli because i ate some lettuce.I’d also rather the kid give people his sickness than him getting accidentally scalded by hot water. Lets also talk about the times where people of color have had to leave their kids in mall food courts and the like in order to either go to work/job interview whatever and have been arrested for child abandonment.Capitalism is a fucking joke.
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                America, Ass, and Bitch: oyal HighnesS
 Follow
 @FlawdazFinest86
 Really @DunkinDonuts?
 2:45 PM - 18 Nov 2017 from Dunkin' Donuts
 543 Retweets 2,626 Likes

 Raphael
 Follow
 @iam_raph
 Do you think this woman would prefer to
 carry around her child at work if she had
 another choice? You have no clue what the
 back story is behind this pic but here you are,
 snitching on what could probably be a single
 mother dedicated to making sure her son can
 eat. Wild
 Royal Highness@FlawdazFinest86
 Really @DunkinDonuts?
 11:25 AM 20 Nov 2017
 149,586 Retweets 366,288 Likes
captain-snark:

lonely-vault-boy:
lord-kitschener:

leggo-my-steggo:


agirlwithachakram:

labellabrianna:

gahdamnpunk:
women just can’t win..

I’ve had to bring my daughter into work with me a couple times. 🤷🏽‍♀️ 

How about: Really, Dunkin’ Donuts? You don’t pay enough for this woman to get childcare or paid maternity leave?

How about: Really, America? You don’t have childcare and maternity leave covered as a standard right?
but also fuck Dunkin’ Donuts too


I hope that bitch-ass snitch never has another good day again for a long time

Okay, yeah, sure, maternity leave and shit is understandable, but what I believe what the picture (correct me if I’m wrong) is implying is that it’s unsanitary as fuck to have a child behind the counter where the food is. (At least, at all the Dunkin’ Donuts I’ve been to, they openly display the donuts.)

Listen, I’ve gone to dunkin donuts where the men’s bathroom looked like the toilet threw up and watched several employees and a manager USE the bathroom and just leave without giving a fuck.Been to a dunkin donuts where a friend asked an employee to make sure her drink was half ice and the woman put something in her drink.Is it sanitary? No, obviously not. Do you think employees at Dunkin Donuts and other places get paid enough to give a shit about health and safety when they don’t make enough to take care about their own health and safety?No, probably not.I’d rather get this kid’s cold on my donut than go to fucking Chipotle and get e coli because i ate some lettuce.I’d also rather the kid give people his sickness than him getting accidentally scalded by hot water. Lets also talk about the times where people of color have had to leave their kids in mall food courts and the like in order to either go to work/job interview whatever and have been arrested for child abandonment.Capitalism is a fucking joke.
                
            

            
            
captain-snark:

lonely-vault-boy:
lord-kitschener:

leggo-my-steggo:


agirlwithachakram:

labellabrianna:

gahdamnpunk:
women just can’t wi...

            
            
        

    



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                




    College, Creepy, and Dude: If you don't teach your
 child to obey Jesus, the
 devil will teach them
 evolution, sexuality
 psychology, witchcraft
thefingerfuckingfemalefury:
fire-ghoul:

seekerofshores:

grumpyrpgreviews:

prokopetz:

cheesedeity:

prokopetz:

bear-eggs:

geekandmisandry:

Wow, I had no idea Satan was so knowledgeable and generous with his time.
#TeamSatan

Can satan come teach a class at my school

Amusingly, among the Western European demon-conjuring cults of the 16th Century, many demons were greatly valued for their skill as teachers, often to the point that grimoires would place greater emphasis on the subjects each demon was qualified to teach than on their supernatural powers.
For example, this guy?
Teaches moral philosophy.
And this creepy dude?
He’s your astronomy professor.
Seriously, look this stuff up some time - it’s wild.

I now want a comic or cartoon series about demon teachers and their human students. Not sure if it should be college or high school.

“Aw, man - I got Professor Lionwheel. I hear if you fail his exams, he eats your legs.”
“Yeah, but he’s supposed to be really good about keeping regular office hours.”
“Huh. Sort of a trade-off, really.”

What do you have to do to get a scholarship?

I can’t believe you called Buer, Great President of Hell, Professor Lionwheel lmfao. 

this whole post

I’M LATE FOR MY FIRST DAY AT DEMON SCHOOL

    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                College, Creepy, and Dude: If you don't teach your
 child to obey Jesus, the
 devil will teach them
 evolution, sexuality
 psychology, witchcraft
thefingerfuckingfemalefury:
fire-ghoul:

seekerofshores:

grumpyrpgreviews:

prokopetz:

cheesedeity:

prokopetz:

bear-eggs:

geekandmisandry:

Wow, I had no idea Satan was so knowledgeable and generous with his time.
#TeamSatan

Can satan come teach a class at my school

Amusingly, among the Western European demon-conjuring cults of the 16th Century, many demons were greatly valued for their skill as teachers, often to the point that grimoires would place greater emphasis on the subjects each demon was qualified to teach than on their supernatural powers.
For example, this guy?
Teaches moral philosophy.
And this creepy dude?
He’s your astronomy professor.
Seriously, look this stuff up some time - it’s wild.

I now want a comic or cartoon series about demon teachers and their human students. Not sure if it should be college or high school.

“Aw, man - I got Professor Lionwheel. I hear if you fail his exams, he eats your legs.”
“Yeah, but he’s supposed to be really good about keeping regular office hours.”
“Huh. Sort of a trade-off, really.”

What do you have to do to get a scholarship?

I can’t believe you called Buer, Great President of Hell, Professor Lionwheel lmfao. 

this whole post

I’M LATE FOR MY FIRST DAY AT DEMON SCHOOL

                
            

            
            
thefingerfuckingfemalefury:
fire-ghoul:

seekerofshores:

grumpyrpgreviews:

prokopetz:

cheesedeity:

prokopetz:

bear-eggs:

geekandmisand...