Do it Again
ORihad Herrma M S youmakemelikecharity rock-moms vastderp gaybuttfuckzone deltasniper1000 So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism I’m posting it here Rated NC-17 for language Disclaimer I care about marine life more than I care about anything else for real Except this big dumb idiot And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them THE MOLA MOLA FISH OR OCEAN SUNFISH They are the world’s largest boney fish weighing up to 5000 pounds And since they have very little girth that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen AND WITH NO PURPOSE EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT 10 FT BY 14 FT IS WASTED SPACE They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move They have little control other than some minor wiggling Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction ????? They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW It just continually folds in on itself so the freaking cells are being made this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go So they don’t have swim bladders You know the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up This creature That can barely move to begin with Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink EXCEPT EXCEPT When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature AND YET Some scientists have speculated that when they do that they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with So they need the sun I guess But good news when they end up stuck like that it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool Pros and cons “If they are so huge they must at least be decent predators” No No The most dangerous thing about them is as you may have guessed their stupidity They have caused the death of one person before Because it jumped onto a boat On a human And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again this time landing on a four-year-old boy Luckily Byron sustained no injuries Way to go fish Great job They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive Dumb See that ridiculous open mouth? This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one and I have had it saved to my phone for three years “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together and ya know what it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face because it is in fact clueless as all fuck They do SOMETIMES get eaten though BUT HARDLY No animal truly uses them as a food source but instead which has lead us to said photo will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them “Wow you raise some good points here this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us” Yes thank you “But if they’re so bad at literally everything why haven’t they gone extinct” Great question BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING Besides some bugs there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME 300000000 IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300000000 that is EACH time they lay eggs LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution the Ocean Sunfish If I ever see one I will throw rocks at it LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” their parasite ridden bodies So learning that I was like “huh okay they have a skill” Then I discovered this Since they are so terrible at swimming the current will carry them into deep cold water Then they die So I have learned that they are so stupid they just get slowly consumed by a freezing death All while they have the full ability for that to not happen Because they’re fucking worthless floating garbage i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees be nice to them they’re doing their best Meme
Do it Again
@ 27 likes ON 2019-10-02 02:53:49 BY
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