Bill Hader’s knife story is the funniest thing ever
TRANSCRIPTIONBill Hader: This funny thing… As PAs we would all hang out. And there was this guy named Big–I was Little Bill on that show because there was a guy named Big Bill, he was like 6′7″–and this other guy named Jason Altieri. And one time Jason, he had this giant bowie knife, like a Rambo knife, and he was hitting a tree with it. [audience laughter] This is what we would do. [Bill laughs] This is Hollywood, guys!Jimmy Kimmel: You’re practicing editing!Bill: Yeah, he was editing! [unintelligible + laughter]Jimmy: The old-fashioned way.Bill: The old-fashioned way. This is the way they did it on Gone With The Wind, I tell ya! [audience laughter] You gotta get your editing thing together, your editing arm down. So he was cutting this thing and we were laughing, and then Bill comes over and he’s like “Hey, J, you should really stop messing with”–this is a cigarette–”you really should stop messing with the knife.” And J went [grunting noises] and he went “Hey, come on! Don’t do that.” And he walked away. Then Bucky, our prop guy, came over and he goes “Hey, I got that exact same knife but it’s retractable. It’s fake.” [inaudible + laughter] So he gets the fake one. He’s doing this…[Bill laughs] And it’s one of those things where we waited, like, an hour. [audience laughter] Like, you couldn’t go, “Hey, Bill! Come over here!” You had to be like…He has to just walk over. So we’re waiting for an hour and J is like “Guys, is he over? Ah, come on, man!” So finally, Bill comes over and goes, “Hey, are you still messing with that knife? You should stop messing with the knife, man.” And he went [grunting noise], and he went “I told you, don’t do that!” And then he just went [clunking sound effect] and stuck him right in the chest [Bill laughs] and Bill went “WHY?!” [laughter] He thought he was murdered! He legit thought he just got murdered! [Bill laughs] And we were…Oh, we were laughing so hard! [laughter] He just went “WHY?!” like that’s the thing you would say.[Bill laughs]Jimmy: Call his parents to tell his final words [Jimmy laughs]Bill: “What did Bill say?” Wait, wait til you hear what he said when he… [inaudible + laughter] He yelled “Why?” [Bill laughs]Jimmy: Oh, that’s good. Oh, boy.